Let me tell you Maina, I need a man, a living one, with a beard, dark skin, firm Government meat and a four wheel beast of a vehicle because this 2021 has been rough on this single woman. Two hours after arriving in my mother's house and eating 26 slices of Broadway's because that bread slaps right, I decided to walk my three stomachs and prosperous behind to the local "mugetho" or base.
Me I land in Tumus and order meat and a botro of snake tears like those landlord of Ruaka. Small small as I am tearing goat ribs with my eyes closed because of sweetness, Wairimu my Primary School deskmate walks in escorted by ze husband who walks up to to greet me while shouting " Aaaaaah village girl karibu sherehe". Like a good Christian, I invite them to join me, going further to offer them a slice of Ugali each minus goat ribs because my goat ribs are not holy communion to be shared like that like that.
Problems start when the son of a woman while chewing on his Ugali and firifiri flashes his phone and invites me to lean in for a selfie. Si me I lean in because village girl must take selfies with her people, let me tell you Maina, that was my mistake. As I smear goat fat on my lips to make my lips shinny for the selfie, One Wairimu starts shifting shifting kaundu funny, kaundu uneasy, kaundu you know... Innocently, I take selfies with Wairimu's property, smiling like a goat in the name of pleasing mafuns.
Immediately we are done, Wairimu suddenly screams "gai babe OMG OMG gai come help me", she goes further to unzip her blouse revealing Dolly Patron cleavage for all to see. Apparently, a fly had flown ALL THE WAY from wherever , unzipped her blouse and entered her cleavage and now she required help to get the fly out because as a Nairobi woman with long nails of gel paint, imagine hangeweza.
Women!
Anyway, Wairimu's Babe'z was ordered to mine that fly from her chest, kiss each of her nyonyos and repeat how much he loved Wairimu loudly for all of Tumus to hear.Meanwhile, me I was just there seeing with mouth because heeeeeee ma! To add insult injury, immediately after they had finished exchanging saliva, Wairimu flashed her engagement ring infront of my eyes, rendering me partially blind. I am still seeing dim dim after the over two hours of flashing that metal on my face as she reminded me of how she was getting married in Naivasha and how she will be wearing a strapless gown which will make her nyonyos rise to the heavens unlike my fallen soldiers which required pegs and cellotape to rise from the floor.
So Anyway, Wairimu is getting married and I will not be a bride's maid because all the girls in the line up have wasp waists and they also have men with range rovers unlike me who is yet to come up with a final draft of why I have flabby arms, three stomachs and no sign of any son of a woman in my life. That heifer did not even add me to her ruracio whatsapp or girl squad for her white wedding.
That is why I need your help. I need to find a man, all tribes except Luo and Kisii are welcome. Yes! The last time I was lied to by a Kisii man I cried for two years straight and that Luo Beast had the effontry to invite me to his wedding after calling me ' a girl baby's and introducing me to his friends as " our wife". Shaitani!
Ha- ha, when I get myself another son of Noah, I will insist that he drives me all the way to Wairimu's house. When we get there, I will knock on her door then quickly jump on my son of Noah. By the time Wairimu opens the door, boychild and I will be rolling on the floor, with my tongue in his pancreas, his arms on my buttocks seriously joking around with pregnancy.
Source: Village Girl Thoughts And Dreams
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